Ego

The world is so full of ego. We hear ego, we talk about ego, we see ego, we experience ego, sometimes, we even bring ego to this world through us.
Well, im feeling the ego in myself frequently.
But im glad because im now able to recognize them n slowly becomimg aware of my thought instead of letting my thought to take control of me.
Sometimes, I even get shocked at myself. I saw 2 little girl on my way home this afternoon, then I saw this 2 cute and pretty 4-5-years-old girl, peeking out of one very outstanding BMW on the road.the 2 little girl is so innocent, cute and sweet, I guess. Kids like that always make me jealous,especially little girl. Looking at them remind me of what I used to have and what I don’t have anymore and what I have to go through when some other don’t.*well, just to remind, to think that BMW car as an outstanding one is already an EGO.when you look at something as superior, the same time u’re looking for to do comparison, and comparison is what ego loves.when there are superior, there must always be inferior, perhaps hiding somewhere that u cant see, or you don’t even notice that it exists.*then, when I was looking at them, my thoughts start to flow like water tap, cant be stop, that’s what often happens in my head. Those thought coursing through my head, never really pay attention to any in particular but suddenly one thought shocked me that I have to stop myself from the incessant stream of thinking. There was this scary thought that come out of nowhere, the thought is if something fall out of nowhere and hit on the 2 kids, this scene will not be the same as it was at the moment.scary isn’t it? Well, atleast I was super duper shocked by this thought.i was like, hey!where does this thought come from??? Why am I allowing such thought to even come in my mind? Well, many of you would have said that I am a demon, vicious and ugly creature.well, I have to admit that im provided that Ego has taken over me. But am I a devil? No, I am not.it’s just a very inconspicuous thought u know? I was just spacing out and I didn’t even really pay attention to what im thinking. It’s just, a kind of negative mental that im having, so now I’m working slowly to it, to live the present.to not be taken over by the Ego.

and so, yea, i'm right.vincent begins to talk.i mean he didnt really make much conservation v people but still, he talks to people now.who cares how much.haha.n all my bullies start to bear fruits.haha,like bully is the sanest thing to do.as much as i hate to say it,today was a boring day again.sigh.but,im going to attend the korean clubs for the first time!hooray! haha.hope i can meet some korean cutie there!i mean it!haha. biology class and math class is what i like,mr.chong is a very nice person, he is very patient with us,trying hard to pry our mouth or our heart open,like i have to say it again,failed again.LOL.sometimes i feel like the whole class has boarded on some kind of shuttle space and been sent to the outer space during the class.there no RESPONSE.no chatters.and of coz,no laughter.how long do i still have to bear with it?well, i guess not short=.=.math ms.adeline is doing her job VERY well,she has covered 4 math chapters so far,well,trust me,if u are that type who like to space out in class,u cant enter ms.adeline's class!i wonder why didnt she go to apply a job as pilot.she flies hell fast.and if u ever space out in the class, the next time u caught ur attention again,they will still be there, stay happily in this lovely planet,but trust me,u are the one who are in mars now! hav to run n even fly to catch up with them,because,mars is not a short distance from earth.lol.so, i had been a good girl in class,i didnt space out,and instead, i pay full attention to her,and even that, i cant get what she's teaching! gosh.but looks like the genius in class dont mind to tutor a bit.so hope that i dont fall to far behind.u know what? chemistry's mrs.pretti is scary.well, i thought we're already in college but she spent about 10 mins of one question! unbelievable.we have to adjust ourself a bit coming out from ms.adeline's class to her class.so,that was the time all of us spacing out.the honey behind even fall asleep.the class get even worse when the progress is so slow.so i prefer it to be like bio.not math please.


and i.sucks.at.self-control
i
suck!
i should be doing my homeworks,
should be doing revision,
but,
im here,
infront of my lappy,
blogging.=.=

ish.
and when sore throat healed,stupid flu came.and i feel so uncomfortable the whole day.
but that's not gonna be the excuse.fyi,im gonna stay in sch library evryday after class until 6.if not, i guess i really gonna to get my h/w n study piled up until certain level that only god could save me.see how serious it is for A level?no joke!

till then.=)

well, im a monster,but still, i wana admit that i feel good outta home =)

sore throat...

result from all these days of eating oats n biscuit, finally my throat starts to object ady...started to feel very sandy in my throat yesterday, and i thought it's just coughing, then i bought qun bui pei pa gou, who noes woke up tis morning with serious sore throat.hate it la...feel so uncomfortable the whole day...well, kept recalling what happened yesterday, but still i be3have well. everything's fine =)
im happy to be where im now =)

Ego

sometimes, the vicious ego in us try to convince us that by making ourself the pathetic and vengeful little character we become more worthy than the one lives with no resentment n rages.well, that's so wrong.couldnt be more wrong.i used to feel that way, the ego way, but all of the sudden, something came in, i was like, hey, why must i make myself into that kind of character? and the answer i gave myself is: i feel better like such,i feel like nobody is going to hurt me or look down at me if im acting like such(in general,i feel more self-worthy in that way) looks, this is how the ego works.it has works in me for a very very long time.well, a lil embarrass to admit it, but i wanna to get over this, so, gotta face it.i was blogging about a comment that i saw on facebook just now, i was devastated, writing down my feelings(to be more precise, it's my negative emotions) and crying all over the words that i spell out myself.do u see how it works? i no longer remember what the content of the facebook is anymore,all that i remember is that i was deeply hurt and offended by the comment.so all the emotions came.and u noe? i always thought that i will never smile n laugh like i ever did when i have all these downhills moment.the thing i like the most about myself,my laughter, nothing else.it was like the world is collapsing, and i really dunno what's the purpose of living,(well, until now i still havent figure out what the hell is the purpose of me living, but since im living, just carry it on! that's all), and i feel like closing my eyes, let my eyes lid fall and to never wake up again.but just a sudden slip of attention, just one glimpse on someone's facebook page, i was distracted.and now that im not overwhelmed by my own-created negative emotions, the dimension flows swiftly in.the world regains its dimension.its space.and then, i was laughing already at one of the very funny video shared on facebook. tik! then i was like, hey!why am i laughing??im supposed to be sad n depressed!" well, but i didnt answer to myself this time.i dunno what the answer is.well that's not important either.because,THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS , I FEEL GOOD NOW.well, by saying this, im not saying that i forget totally about what has happened, i do learn something from this incident, but i wont let the emotions, the ego overwhelm me and make me its prisoner.

ok...done with all those boring philosophy.now.I FEEL AT PEACE.

live life,

focus on the present.

Cooler

guys think they r cool when they dont talk much

but i think guys who r fun is cooler

DON'T

girl,

don't get disheartened.

don't get distracted.

focus

on the present.


don't get disheartened.

don't get distracted.

focus.

P.R.E.S.E.N.T

shouting...yelling...shrieking...

that's wat i feel like doing...

but nothing is physical enough for me to release it all out,

thus,

it remains trapped inside...



go....

just leave....

9.26pm

haha...got xian's msg juz now^^feel so good! i'm still studying my chemistry.she's studying her physics i think..Xian, ganbateh!!! hahaha!!! all others, ganbateh too!!! hahaha, well, i cannot be playful like i was in ndc.i have to really study hard because the scholarship demands is 70% and above for every semester, every subject.have to be really serious n study hard. chemistry is never too boring, feel good reading it^^ even it's history makes me wana to highlight it n keep it in my mind...hahaha...going to off my laptop now let it rest for another 3hours..going to download dramas after 12.30am...hooray!!! hahaha...should have some entertainment too right? hahahah...

bye=)

boring but never easy

A level's life might be boring , but never easy...we hav so many things to study, well, and we still havent get to the assignment part yet. the class alone is enough to consume all our time up.homeworks is not too hard,just too many, but still acceptable.biology class is good, tat mr.chong is not bad in his teaching. but for biology, we really have to do revision everyday after the class, if not, i guess as time pass, the things that we should memories or atleast comprehend, will mount up n we wil never be able to read it all up in last minutes.chemistry's mrs.preeti is talking slower n clearer today.or i guess we had already get used to her accent.her teaching method is more or less like what it's in the secondary school.she will keep repeating some facts, check on ur h/w, check attendance and etc.no doubt that she's very serious about her class, no absenteeism, no handphone, and h/w must be done.but the different is she never scold when ppl didnt complete her h/w like what those teacher do in secondary sch.she will just tease.i guess because we never pay to study in sec and now we're the boss because we paid to enter the class n study.haha!math's lecturer is very cool, quite stern to me.boring in her class but math keeps u busy so no one noticed that.our class is still so damn boring.arghhhh.dying in that class.ppl in A level are all quite.....(it's rude, but it's true)nerdy =( ewhhh...see? nothing much for today.
that's all.
ar! guess wat? i didnt pay for my fried bee hoon today.bought it from the stall outside our campus,well, i should say that i take it from there today,but goin to pay back 2mlw.ishhhh...haiz....

still, i like my life now.freedom.


it's great.

8pm

phew! just done my bio revision and chemistry note.well, hav to pre-read biology for tomorrow's class, if not i wont be able to catch what mr.chong is teaching again.luckily, chemistry is not so difficult, bio is the only one which need to do revision after class.math wont be too hard they say, hope so.hmmmmm....hungry, haha, waiting for jhi lien to pack food for me.hooray! today is curry mee! haha...throw away all the negativity, im alive, im living my life, working hard in evrything, move on move on!! ganbateh!!! is looking for a job now, $$ is still on top of the list,ganbateh!!!! hahahahahahhahaha....

i guess u just cant stop urself

why do u hav to mess up evrything like this?? do u hav any idea that those are ur kids?? are u even aware that people are leaving u behind one by one?? why cant u just wake up and look at what u've done to urself?? why?? do u hav to be like this?? i want to be free of all those negative.i dont want to be in it, i dont care, as long as i call them aunty or uncle, i love them.i dont need clarification and reasons and the what so called truth.im born in this bloody family and i learn to love everyone, who cares if they dont,in return? i dun need complication, i dun need these stupid conflicts,this is not even an issue to me.can u try to understand??? please, leave me alone!!! i have no one to tell, because i dont want them to hate u even more.so can u try to be more considerate and have a less tangled mind and stop driving them apart from each other!!?? they are ur children!!!


well, atleast i've proven that coming to kl is a wise choice.


p/s : stop poisoning everyone around u.just stop

2.14pm

phew! rainy day! used to like rainy days in Melaka but rainy days in cheras will cause me a lot of inconvenience.well,i wana to go to the biggest pasar malam in malaysia today!!! stop raining please=) today's class was tough, biology is scary, i cant quite follow what mr.chong is teaching, and i have to read all over again after blogging because i guess i only understand 60% of today's biology class.chemistry is much more easier, mrs.preeti is still with the strong accent that made us furrow while listening to her.well, she said we can stop her if we cant get used to her strong accent but i wonder what's the difference?if we stop u, u will still repeat to us with the same incomprehensive strong accent.that guy in our class pay no attention to her obviously, hmmm, i think his name is zihan ,not sure.i was doubting if the mrs.preeti will tease him or what since she seems very serious to her class, but she didnt seems to notice that.when mrs.preeti finished her theory part, we all moved to do the hand-out that she distributed to us yesterday.surprisingly, that guy said he did all that exercise while mrs.preeti jus happen to pass by his place and saw his paper fully written.i guess mrs.preeti is gonna to like him.i think his chemistry is quite good because he didnt pay attention to chemistry class like he did in biology or math class.E hui is my classsmate, a new fren.she sat beside me during chemistry class.lolz.our class is all so quiet and shy.khoo is the only one who is always taking the initiative, she volunteered to become the class rep.quite brave isnt? hope the class rep wont burden her too much,mrs.preetu says nothing very much have to do by class rep.the ampang guy is so quiet.the 2 iraq girl is so pretty that i cant stop looking at them.hopes that they didnt realize that.but one of them looks too old to be in our class, a class full of 18.i think she's about 30.there are a lot indian girls in our class,but there is no prob between everyone, since none of us talk much to each other.mr.chong is trying his attempt to warm us up but still,failed.hopes that he will be successful one day, the class is so boring=.=.jhi lien is in great pain this morning when i woke up.pity girl, i think she never sleep well the whole night and was just waiting for me to wake up and help her to take her medicine,because she asked for my help once she know that im awake.she cant even move on the bed,it makes me worry.her situation is more or less like shian's case i think.but still she went for her 11am's class.washed my clothes today but it rains! haha...nvm, i can hang it inside my room first.take a nap for awhile just now, hmmmm, i guess now i hav to move to my biology textbook ady.
p/s: didnt have my lunch today^^ is waiting to go to pasar malam!

going to bury myself in biology books.bye=)

Fuck off

i say fuck off!!! i cay fuck off!!! stop telling me craps!!! stop it!!! i dont hav to know all that u wan me to know!!! can u leave me alone??? can u cut me some slack???? so what????!!! i enjoy assuming everyone in this world as the angel!!! i dont care if they dont love me with that sincerity...i dont care if they hate me behind me...i dont care!!! i wana them to be angels!!!in my world atleast...can u try to understand??? i dont care!!! i wan a simple life, stop poisoning me with all those negative thoughts!!!i dont need any of that!!!! i juz wan to study hard n earn myself a life!!! is that bothering u??? why cant u just stop it???!!!! pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! see, i said n i meant it, i dont wan to hate anyone, please dont make me hate you, im not suppose to hate youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!im not!!! back off, wait there, let me earn my life n i wil be back to pay u back...juz wait there, please, stop poisoning me!!!!

class is really heavy for the first day.well, math lecturer looks like pn.low yoke har,but she's more sporting and i hope she will not be my nightmare.i heard that she's good, i hope so, because my math is really poor...i dont think i did follow the class perfectly today, left behind for like 2 or 3 times, again, math is killing me, math is all destroyed by Ah Pang.chemistry class should be the best subject, but it wasnt , because i guess biology is the best for today, the mr.chong is quite cute, and i think he is quite considerate, and for some reasons, i think he is closer to us.i guess i will know that reasons soon.chemistry lect is quite strict and the way she talks is kinda disastrous for all of us in the class, her slang and her pronunciation is so weird...we were all straining our ears to comprehend what she's talking about, honestly, to understand what she's saying, sometimes analysis is needed...haha...like atomic mass, artermic mars was what she pronounced,and i figured this will gonna be the way she talk for the whole course.so better start to adapt to it now.biology mr.chong asked us to write our name n put it infront of our table, like a name tag in office, and he enjoy calling our names.he's the only one who asked for introduction, and he really paid attention and was passionate in knowing us, that what i think.then, we dismissed earlier than 3.30pm because we all dont have our textbook and he cant teach.then i went to the photocopy shop with my classmate.so crowded lol.i waited outside for quite awhile, thanks to jhi lien, i dont have to spend too much on the textbook, can really save a lot.then i walled out the campus with my classmate ee hui, bought a rm1.5 yee mee goreng, then walked home while blasting in gaga's bad romance.weird, i craved rocks song so much after today's class.then i did some revision on bio, slept til 8pm, go for dinner with jhi lien, answered a bloody call, and then writing my blog.
that's all for tonight.
p/s: my house is full of colgate supporter. im one of the only two using darlie =)
haha! feel better after writing. cheers and be passionate for everything that's coming.
argh! before i forget, there's no korean in my class!!! arghhhh, im sad...=(....

FIRST DAY

well, first day in college, again, as always, i have to rush to reach school on time.i guess i dont have to tell u why do i have to rush, u will know it if u get the permission to read this blog.went to see my counselor first when i reach the school campus.too bad, she on leave, she went to pulau redang=.=how unfortunate, well, i wana to call her but it was so early that i guess she will get pissed off so i gave up the thought of calling her early in the morning on her HOLIDAY.then, i have to brave my to go to the cashier counter to ask if i can pay my fee excluded my tuition fee until my scholarship is approved.i met a quite nice woman, she say yes n i paid my fee.i figured that some officer doesnt like to speak in english especially to chinese so i speak in chinese the second time i had to ask her about my student account.how smart im,haha!the orientation starts with speeches.lotsa speeches by a bunch of people.and at last they ask, why do u guys look so sad? well, is that a question to ask? we're all so boring!!!haha.then the salsa group take over the orientation, they had us played lame game too=.= but our group didnt play as other did because my facis decided that it was very lame too.haha!met a few people there, just talk a little bit and then we had our lunch there, nothing special, boring instead.well, this is indeed a great news!!!THERE IS A BUNCH OF KOREAN IN A LEVEL!!!THERE ARE A BUNCH OF KOREAN IN A LEVEL!!! koreans are cute! guys n girls all.but i think they look a lil more mature than us, i guess they're not of the same age with us.and we have 2 nigerians in our course.they are definitely older than us, no doubt.and they are a bit like living in their own world.they look fierce, sometimes i can see unwillingness on their faces, esp when the facis ask all of us to sit on the floor when waiting for others to get their acceptance letters,the nigerian girl expression make me doubt that she is despising the childishness of those facis.but they are just trying to bring out the happy and energetic atmosphere around.but still, the game is lame, however, i cant think of something less lame to do in orientation, orientation is always so lame isn't it?i used to thought our secondary school's was the lamest but now i don't.pre-u's is lamer=.=haha! and then we all go to the computer lab to do our online course selection, too bad i cant do it immediately.ish, did i mention that i was the only one wearing ucsi's t-shirt in the orientation?? ish, i look so stupid!! haha, but nvm la, stupid is good, anyway, im ady used to be paiseh...haha! that's all for today, unexpectedly boring first day of college.
p/s: why do class hav to commence tomorrow??? why cant just let me to rest for one more day!?? ish>.<
going to have dinner with Joyce later^^ it will be great! i miss her a lot!!
my roomate is a nice girl^^